


I don’t know how to describe it Jace.

by NovakSunshine



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland Friendship, Depression, Gen, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Hurt Alec Lightwood, M/M, Parabatai Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:13:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26001709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NovakSunshine/pseuds/NovakSunshine
Summary: Jace has always known there was a simmering darkness that lurked just beneath the surface of his brother’s calm exterior. Once Alec becomes his parabati he understands this darkness is a fundamental part of who his soulmate is, but he still wants to to know what it feels like for Alec. Who always replies he that he doesn’t know how to describe it. Until he does.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland
Comments: 1
Kudos: 31





	I don’t know how to describe it Jace.

It happens in the dark. Jace isn’t sleeping, he’s just resting his eyes. It’s been a long night and he’s just finished pulling demon debris out of Alec’s shoulder. Jace extinguished the bright lights as soon as he’d cleaned up the wound and given his parabati a healing rune. He’d be fine by morning. Jace has his forearm resting over his eyes when he asks,  
“You good?”  
“No.”  
The reply has nothing to do with the wound. Alec’s voice sounds flat and Jace recognises the tone immediately, he wishes he didn’t. Alec has struggled with his darkness for as long as Jace had known him, he’d even been been through cause of his deep sadness at times. While Jace knew Alec suffered, he didn’t really understand it. He had even felt the numbness creep through their bond but again he asks,  
“What does it feel like?” He’s always asking. He’s always hoping if he understands it then he can fight it, kill it, protect Alec from it so he never has to feel it again. With his back still to Jace, Alec answers,  
“The tide has changed again, suddenly without warning. The water is cold and it’s filled up my veins so they feel numb. The salt water is manic and strong, it’s rip currents have dragged away the things from my chest that make me, me. The current foams at its peak and it makes my rib cage fizzle like acid over bone. I can’t feel through the haze, everything’s far away. 

I force myself to breathe but the black nothingness is in my lungs and there’s no air to take in. There’s no panic, I can’t feel, but I stay calm. Or complacent because the wild sea has won the struggle before I even saw it coming. It takes me under when I’m not looking and once I’m drowning with apathy, confusion and darkness I try and remember why I fight so hard to breathe at all. 

Once I’ve accepted the violent sea has truly invaded my lungs, veins and thoughts, I’m captive until the the tide turns. I wait, with fear under the surface that’s trapped beneath a thick layer of impenetrable ice, and the waves wear away at it without knowing. I forget how my chest feels without the weight of black water in, how my limbs feel without that creeping drag of the hopeless tide ebbing and flowing endlessly. And if I could feel enough to hate, I would hate how much it feels like home.”

Jace sits up slowly and watches Alec breathing unsteadily. Without thinking Jace blurts,  
“But I can’t kill that.”  
Alec looks down and turns his head to one side;  
“Not without killing me.”  
Jace feels physical pain at the statement and his heart flutters in a panic. He hears Alec sigh softly before he says,  
“Do you feel better now you know?”  
“I don’t know.” Jace answers slowly, “I think I understand now, how crushing it must be. I just wanted to help.”  
“You do, Jace.”  
“Really?”  
“I. I... don’t think I’d be here without you.” Alec admits to the dark. Jace can feel his heart aching but he pushes it down because his brother is hurting more than he is, and he can take it. He’d suffer everyday if he could share the weight of Alec’s darkness even for a moment.  
“You can’t go anywhere.” Jace says it as a statement.  
“I wouldn’t put you through that. You know what they say about loosing your parabati. I’m just sorry you got stuck with me.”  
“I’m not sorry.”  
“Not even now you know what it feels like to be me?”  
Jace moves closer to where Alec is sitting on the edge of his bed. He sits crossed legged behind Alec and rests his forehead gently between Alec’s shoulders.  
“All of you makes half of me Alec. Even the dark parts.”  
The night ends slowly and as the moon sets Alec lays next to his brother as dawn breaks. The deep and dangerous tide is turning already and Alec closes his eyes knowing his parabati is watching over him.


End file.
